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複製本頁網址︰這幾天，太陽跟我玩的遊戲太大了。每當上班或是外出的時候，它總有方法令我舉手投降。漸漸地，我喜歡躲在家裡，看著窗外的藍天與白雲跟烈日玩耍。這時候，青綠的山頭還送來涼快的微風，感覺比看世界盃還要暢快。
它們令我找到了平靜，更令我看到，原來自己在乎的事情還有很多。
那當然包括愛情。
我還記得，在前陣子的留言裡，有人叫我：「找另一個上路吧。」當時看著我的肚腩，我想：「還可以嗎？」打從心裡，我知道，連我自己也不太喜歡現在的我。
猶豫可真是否定自己的最佳武器。在這些日子裡，工作與掛慮把我的所有都遮蓋了。我幾乎把自己也忘掉了。
於是，今天我找人把我的頭髮剪去至少一半，好讓我把自己看個清楚……
然後，我發現：原來，我可以。
完 Show了。經過好一陣子的排練，演出終於落幕了。
沒有太大的回響，卻有很多的突發，得至少還是把他們克服了。
我想，是時候把自己沉澱一下。究竟我應該怎樣往前走？我應該走嗎？
跟演員排練這個劇，讓我看到一路走來的自己。原來，我不是那麼的讓人喜歡；原來，我可以放下，不要那樣執著；那樣，人們會活得愜意一點。至少，他們不會流那麼多的眼淚。
我的執著把很多人都害苦了……工作如是，感情也是。
常常跟自己說，不要勉強，一切順其自然好了。但是，一旦感情來到的時候，自己就不期然著緊起來，然後就將整件事迫得太緊。最後，就連對方也被迫走了。
我想，可能是我太害怕失去吧……
若要重新上路，我想，總不能自顧自的往走吧。
可是，我應該怎樣做呢？（思考中……）
今天，從朋友口中得知一個暗戀多年的人終於都跟一位女孩子談起戀愛了。
除了心痛，別無他法。
雖然不知道事情孰真孰假，但是這已足以讓我的心被折騰半天。那種痛不是十指痛歸心，但是很苦。
這種苦，令我想起更多。
我心痛的是，我跟他已經不能再扯上任何的關係。從現在開始，他的生活應該屬於另外一人了；而事實上，他亦已經從我的朋友圈中慢慢的淡出了。至少，我相信我已經離開了他的朋友圈；因為他並沒有告訴我他在談戀愛這個消息。
離開，可能是一個較好的抉擇。可是，現在我卻只能想起陳潔儀的《心痛》：
望著你
突然一陣心痛
一次又一次任那感情放縱
你的脆弱讓我走不開
你的依賴所以我存在
想著你
還是想到心痛
期待我做的將來你都會懂
有一天
真如果有一天
但願我還在你記憶中……
也許，我真的要重新上路了……
這幾天，都讓病魔打擾個不停。倒想說一件病倒前的事。
前一陣子，跟一個大學同學於咖啡座談及我們的一個朋友和她身邊的男孩子。她的戀愛生活並沒有像小說般天搖地陷，烽火連天；但不知怎的，每次聽著她的故事，聽她說著男孩子都離她而去，心裡總是有點戚戚然，氣氛往往都因此被壓下去，然後換來的，是一連串低下頭來的靜默……大家都在沉醉在自己的光區中，顧影自憐……
人總喜歡自己得到別人的關心，繼而成為焦點。但是，人的腦細胞都是悲觀的：它們往往都只會將歡欣的光影如潮水拍岸般洗去；而同時卻容許傷痛的流聲有如鬼魅般縈繞於腦海。結果，靜默無聲的啜泣與梁天來式的呼天搶地便成了各方人士惹人垂憐的跳板。
電視機中的新聞也是如此。主角每次面對著鏡頭，彷彿總是要將話說得聲淚俱下才可博得一片憐憫。我們深受感動之餘，亦樂於將它變成我們的話題。他們就成了悲劇的主角。
正因如此，唱碟機裡、流行榜首上的時代曲大多會綻放著這種催淚氣體……
「仍靜候著你說我別錯用神
甚麼我都有預感
然後睜不開兩眼看命運光臨
然後天空又再湧起密雲」
抹掉淚印的紙巾，敷眼褪腫的茶包，在使用的次數和數量上都在告訴我們一件事：眼淚比笑容來得珍貴—難怪苦情的東西永遠都是殿堂級作品。這基於一個原因：對於我們來說，傷痛就是讓情感得到伸展的空間。這都是高尚的。
If you say life is a theme park, then my love life is like a roller-coaster. After I thoguht I’ve lost my love, there it was again. J suddenly called me, being very sorry for leaving me all alone for a whole month. I was told that it was all because of J having to deal with tonnes of problems ahead. We got together again, then, when I was about to celebrate J’s first-ever birthday with me, I lost J again.
I couldn’t reach J again.
Hollow, that’s how I am now…and here are the lines of a song I could barely remember…
It’s not terrifying to be dumped by the world
It’s actually more terrifying to have fallen in love with you…
The sky is never too dark, somehow.
[P.S.: It's the last time J came up in my diary, and off he goes...]
I love watching movies, and dramas, as they share something in common: the stories can touch me. Apart from that, I can sit by myself in the dark, crying about the characters as much as I do.
For some time, I thought I’ve forgotten how to cry. Yet, I have started my habit of crying all over again during the Christmas after my university graduation.
It’s all because of him… The very first guy I’ve fallen for.
The first guy I fell in love with was my classmates in the university. He really took good care of me. We had our good times too: having him to carry my schoolbag after class, messing around in the canteen during tea breaks, as well as walking around a hillside park, with him putting his hand around my shoulder. At that time, I felt like blessed, being the luckiest guy in the world. I thought we could go on like that forever…
And of course, we didn’t.
He told me then he had been having a girlfriend for five years.
That really turned my world upside down: I was actually the “intruder”.
By then, he started avoiding me, and he didn’t even come back for the graduation ceremony. After some time, I have been told by a good friend of him in a reunion dinner that he’s got married.
That really broke my heart, and hollowed it, for such a long time that I couldn’t evern remember.
I wish I knew how to quit him.
Spirited Away…
It’s been five days…since we met for the last time.
And yet, I still haven’t heard of anything from J. I tried my best to find J and I could feel that J is hiding away from me, but what else could I do?
Nothing.
Someone told me that we’re both in the shock with such a big change in our relationship, and that’s most probably the reason J has not been answering my calls.
Over the past few days, I have been like a person who is spiritually absent: I wasn’t interested in anything and I almost didn’t even care when I found that I was about to lose an important friend of mine. What could be feeling worse, when your world has already been turned upside down?
I know I need to pull myself together for the days to come, but I can’t help spiriting away…
Where are you, J?
In the coming few chapters, I’d like to share with you parts of my memories about the same person: J.
[Taken from my diary (Summer 2008) - Part 1]
The Show is done. In Kwai Tsing Theatre. The show was brilliant and the audience loved it, saying that it was a good show. As the Director, I dare not take the credit, since it could not have been done with all my team members… I know I owe you a lot.
It’s nice to see a lot of my old friends again, especially when I saw them leaving the theatre with a warm and happy face. I was even happier when some of them had told me that the story touched them in some ways. I really need to thank you all for your support.
And now, the show is over. What’s next?
I’m all by myself again. ALONE.
The same thing happened again. I’m still in shock and confusion. Three days ago, J ran into my life, changing my life in a very different way.
Actually, I’ve never dreamed of having J coming into my life, as I thought J would never like me, because of my age and my job. However, J actually asked me if I could give it a chance.
Things happened, and suddenly, J seemed not wanting to have me anymore. Someone could say I’m sensitive, but J seemed to avoid my calls over the past few days, leaving me in the nowhere.
I really don’t know what to do, except keeping calling J, hoping that I would get an answer.
I hate back-stabbing.
For so many times in life, I come to question myself what kind of life I would want to lead, especially when problems keep popping up and everything points to the fact that I’m just another dumb making the wrong decisions every single time. I can’t help wondering, “what’s going on with me?”
I’ve been feeling really bad and depressed lately. I just didn’t get anything right, and after making all diffferent kinds of mistakes, I find myself so hard to cope with people who have different views from mine, together with their challenges, and I came to realize that I keep disappointing people in so many different ways; and most important of all, I’ve come to realize that all alone.
I know I shouldn’t be giving people false hopes. I know I shouldn’t be setting high goals. I know I shouldn’t feel that negative about people’s reasonable opposition to my ways of doing things. However, I know I feel so bad when I’ve to round up the mess I’ve made out of good deeds…
Maybe I’m just nothing at all…
But I really want to find my way back onto my trail…
Starting a relationship is never easy…but keeping a relationship is even like by chance.
How would you feel if the one (you think) you love has shown no interest at all in shopping with you in the mall, and then he / she went on looking anxiously for a birthday present for his / her friend who is in his / her opposite sex?
How would you feel if the one (you think) you love has kept saying he / she is too busy to meet you for whatever reasons?
How would you feel if the one (you think) you love has promised to call you and he / she never would, especially when he / she has told you that he had to go for a birthday dinner for a friend of his / her opposite sex?
How would you feel if the one (you think) you love has kept directing your call to his / her voicemail when you just want to reach him / her on the phone?
How would you feel if the one (you think) you love has not made even one single reply to your SMS messages throughout the week?
What do these tell?
You can say it is all about jealousy. You can say it is all about self-confidence, but there is something for sure, you’ve become terribly sensitive because you’ve come to realize that there might be something wrong.
It is always an agony to find that no matter how hard you have made things out, there is not even any response. You may try to convince yourself so hard that the other side is not used to express, or even to feel about it. Nevertheless, you know so well from the bottom of your heart that something’s going wrong.
Sometimes you think you have given enough to make it work, but it is never true. Nobody knows about the line. Well, by the way, if you have to make it work, then there are already problems you’ve got to solve.
I wish I had the guts for that.